to the boys i couldn’t love
your insecurities were too big
to hold in the compartments of my heart
my aortic valve did not have the muscle necessarily big enough to pump life
into the both of us

my lungs could not find the breathe large enough to hold us both alive

to the boys i couldn’t love
your projections were
movie scenes i was not fit to be a part of
your eyes were the knives that cut deep into me
to make me feel so much insecurity
to lose myself entirely

you said no strings attached
yet all the seams were holding themselves together
the way you pretended to hold me

you broke a part of me
every single one of you
a drunken night
or maybe two
stolen kisses
even the ones that you felt right
i could tell you i wish
I had the courage to say no
but the part of me that wanted to please
just pleaded you’d let go sooner or later

like water under pressure
fire hydrants are forced to put out fires
you were a fire

a mess i could not walk away from
cleaning behind
extinguishing through the ash filled smoke
you suffocated me
i longed for air
i longed to feel the shattered skies
away from you
i longed to feel the scattered thoughts
away from you

i longed to let go of the love you forced down my throat
like if i didn’t take it
i was the broken one
for refusing to hold onto broken glass
your glass heart that tore my hands into pieces
my tears could fill the cracks in the sidewalks we walked

to the boys who could not love me
you said you were ready
or atleast you hoped you were
but refused to tell me that hopes were not the same as reality and sometimes reality fades
you faded slowly as if i were not to notice
the dimming of your presence
if you were a sunset, you’d be the kind you turn your back on
because if i could have turned my back
i would not have stood in awe as you found your way out
i would not have stood in silence in the dark
i would not have stood there broken
i would not have stood looking for my way through the pitch blackness of how empty you left me
as you let the hours pass by and found sunrise
your new light, a new day
to the boy who didn’t love me
maybe your manipulation worked
every single time
i thought you’d lie
but instead you told the truth
twisted it into a kind of world only you & i knew
used my faith to hold me close to you
held me hostage because you knew
you knew i had loved you too much to walk away
that you could tear me down and i’d sit there waiting for you to hold me back up
that you could leave
i’d wait for you in the morning as if it were a bus stop i thought i’d miss the stop
running
have you ever felt like you were running?
loving you was running for something i did not have a destination to
it was exhausting
like taking a breathe would leave me to
feel the loneliness only you know how to make me feel
even when i did not love you, my heart yearned for you
even when you tore me down, i longed for you to pick me up
to the boy who broke me
i could say you did not know
but you still do
your words are a venom that i had longed to be poisoned with
because death sounded so sweet when you spoke to it
because dying felt better than running on exhaustion
to the boy who
broke me
i tripped while i ran to you
scraped my knees and you kept walking
i held everything for you
but you kept walking
instinct told me to hold my wounds
and i did not have room for yours
i had no space to hold your ego
or your venom

Published by ciriacisbeth

Writer. Organizer. Believer.

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