To The First Boy I Loved

To the first boy who I ever fell in love with:

You broke my heart.

You broke it a million times, then all over again. I guess you know that, though right? I used to think a lot, about what could have been or if the timing were different things would not have ended the way they did. If maybe we took the risk, things would have ended differently. I no longer feel the pain, so that is why I write this today.

You played me.

I was like a pond in a game. Even with other girls, you were never left fully satisfied. You knew how to manipulate me to be there for you. No matter what others brought somehow you were better—even if you weren’t. Yet, from the moment I had met you that very first conversation I knew you were something special. You had a lot of light and beautiful soul. That is what I always saw, and what I saw became my greatest destruction.

I spent a lot of time trying to be there for you because you were hurting. No, not to fix you but to stand by you as you brought your pieces back together. I thought someday things would be different but that day never came. I spent a long time waiting for your letters. I re-read your words and your poems for more. You wrote me beautiful things and it felt enough sometimes. It was never enough. Most of the time though, I was scared. Scared to have you, scared to lose you, scared.

I think I hurt you too and for this, I am truly sorry.

“You say you’re not special because the world doesn’t know about you, but that’s an insult to me. I know about you.” – The Fault In Our Stars

You did know me. At that time, more than anyone else. So, I forgave you because I saw where your hurt came from and I gave you the permission to hurt me. I didn’t deserve that.

I made myself small for you.

You told me you were not good enough, and now I can affirm that you were right. The guy I knew at that moment wasn’t good enough. Unconsciously I thought that if I made myself smaller maybe we could be in the same place.

I hurt for a long time. I wish it would have been easier to let go. I wished the beautiful memories we shared gone.

You hurt me in places I didn’t realize until I saw the wound even a year later.

It is because of you, that I no longer make myself small for anyone.

It is because of letting go of you, that I found myself being who I always wished I were.

It is because of you, that I no longer fear to be alone.

I am no longer broken and no longer hurting from you.

Thank you for letting me see myself beautiful when I didn’t feel that way. Thank you for letting me move on, even if I then fell apart. Putting myself back together was the absolute most difficult and astonishing thing I ever did for myself. Thank you for letting go too, even when I wished you hadn’t. I have faith that you were and are a part of my life for a reason.

You were right, I was light even if I never had believed it.

I was never scared of falling for you. I was scared of falling in love with myself, but falling in love with myself became the reason I healed.

I don’t talk about what we had because I like to keep it ours. I will always love you even if I am not in love with you. I will always care, even if I am no longer there. I will always root for you, even if I am no longer rooted with you. I will always remember you.

Con Amor,

Ciriac Isbeth.



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